


Who we are

by TheIceQueen



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Jace Wayland, Brief talk about suicide, Confused Jace Wayland, Confusion, Crying, Fear, Gen, Hugs, Isolation, Jace Wayland Feels, M/M, Men Crying, Multi, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Pining, Post-Canon, Sexual Confusion, Whumptober 2019, Worried Alec Lightwood, no one considers suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 22:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20937464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: Jace is struggling, and no matter how much he want, he can't let anyone in to help, because it might ruin everything for everyone. Isn't it better if he's the only one hurt?





	Who we are

**Author's Note:**

> When I started whumptober2019 I had all the best intentions of practicing writing short(er) one-shots and don't get over involved with a work. I have way too many.  
But... when I sat down to write this little piece I knew that I couldn't let it end there. I'm not going to continue this before >More Than Perfect< is finished, (one huge WIP per fandom is enough) but I will come back and continue this.
> 
> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #altno.2 – Broken voice

He would recognize those footsteps everywhere. Every night as a kid he would hear them, lighter and faster than now, but still the same. Alec and he would spend hours perfecting their fighting skills and talking about how amazing their lives as hunters would be. They would always lock the door, so Alec would have time to hide if someone knocked. Now the door was locked before Alec got there.

Jace didn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Least of all Alec. He tugged his legs closer and rested his forehead on his knees.

“Jace?” There were two small knocks at the door. “Jace, are you in there?”

Alec sounded worried. Jace had never regretted becoming parabatai with Alec, and he never would, but sometimes it would be great to not have a human emotion-detector running around. Why wasn’t he home in Idris anyway?

Alec knocked again. “Jace?”

The door handle turned and Jace shivered as if the draft from the hallway already had hit him, but the door stayed closed.

“Clary told me you have been in here since the hunt. Jace?” Alec formed it as a question, but they both knew that she was right. Alec must have noticed his absence too. It would have been easier if he could just pretend for the rest of the day, but when his hands started shaking during the de-briefing he knew it wouldn’t be long before he wouldn’t be able to speak.

A startled gasp crossed his lips as Alec knocked the door hard. “Jace! Answer me.” He twisted the handle again. “Are you hurt?!”

He wasn’t hurt but it took him a moment to realize that Alec couldn’t see him shaking his head. He tried to speak but nothing would come out. Alec wanted answers and Jace didn’t want to explain. He wasn’t sure he could explain this to himself.

“I’m breaking down the door.”

Not knowing how he moved that fast and not remember doing so, Jace was by the door on shaky knees. He knocked it twice before he slid his back down the wood and sat on the floor.

Something moved on the other side and then Alec’s voice was close, but lower than before. “Jace? Knock again if you don’t want me in.”

Jace leaned his head back and swallowed heavily as he let his hand drop by his side and knocked the door once right over the floor.

“Okay.” Alec didn’t sound less worried.

Jace could hear him sitting down and felt the door move as he leaned against it too.

“Jace… You have to let us know what’s going on.”

Again, Jace shook his head. He couldn’t; just thinking about talking about any of this tightened his chest so he couldn’t breathe.

“You’ve been nervous and confused for months. Izzy says that in the last week you’ve only been out of the room to eat or hunt.”

Thinking back, Izzy was right, Jace just hadn’t noticed himself. He knew that he had avoided people a lot, especially late in the day when he was tired. It’s hard to keep a smile on, when the whole world is shifting under you.

“Jace. Talk to me…” Alec started to sound desperate. If it had been the other way around, Jace would probably had splintered the door by now. “If not me, then someone else. Should I get Clary?”

“No.” The word was squeaky and pitiful but strong enough.

“Okay…” Alec paused. “It’s good to hear you speak. Please…”

Jace knew what was coming, but he just couldn’t. He buried his head in his arms folded on his knees.

“Please just give me something. Can I talk to you tomorrow? Are you…?” Jace felt a sudden burst of fear rush from Alec through him. “Are…” Alec sounded out of breath. “Are you safe in there?”

Jace’s lungs froze. He would never… They’d had that talk; he’d promised Alec. Fighting to get in air, he reached down to knock one more time.

Not sure if it was his or Alec’s fear loosening the grip a little, Jace was able to breathe more freely.

“Good. I’m sorry… I had to ask.”

A tear, he hadn’t felt building, rolled over Jace’s cheek. Not only was he confused and freaking out himself, he was making everyone else scared for him as well.

When he realized he had to just accept that the words would come with tears, Jace was able to get the words out.

“I-I’m okay.” It was only a pitiful whisper and he hated how small he sounded.

“No… no, Jace you’re not.” Alec moved and the next words came from higher up, as if he had stood up. “It’s alright, though. Just let me help a little.”

If anyone could help, it was Alec. Jace just didn’t want help. He wasn’t sure why his mind was playing tricks on him. For months he’d been able to convince himself that it was nothing.

“You can’t.” Jace hugged his legs tighter.

“Maybe I can’t, but I need to make sure you’re alright. Magnus is going home tonight, but if you have to wait with opening the door till the morning, I’ll stay the night.”

Jace swallowed and let more tears roll as he closed his eyes. He wanted to see Alec, but he couldn’t. His thoughts, those thoughts he couldn’t understand, was already making him dizzy, every other moment. But today; the hunt had screwed it all up even more. Images of him being pushed out of harm’s way, were playing on repeat in his head. He’d been saved before but this was different. The night would be a long one.

Jace bit his lip as he reached up over his head and twisted the lock. He could practically hear Alec’s gasp on the other side of the door. It took a second before the handle turned and the door pushed his back.

“Jace?” Alec tried curiously from behind the still closed door.

Slowly, Jace placed his shaky hands on the floor and got up on all four to move away. He sat on his heals just far enough away that Alec could walk through the narrow opening.

Jace didn’t look up as Alec’s arms embraced him and he was pressed chest against chest with his brother. All he could do was to hold on to Alec as well.

“Thanks, Jace.” Alec whispered over Jace’s shoulder. “You don’t need to say anything. I’m just glad you let me in.”

Jace nodded. He couldn’t speak if he wanted. There was nothing to say anyway, he needed to figure this out himself first. At least more than he had.

They sat like that till Jace shifted his sore legs a little and Alec pushed himself back and broke the silence. “Food or bed?”

Jace forced himself to look up at his brother’s caringly soft smile. “Bed.”

Alec nodded and got up and pulled Jace to his feet too. Jace was already in sweatpants and t-shirt after showering after the hunt, so it didn’t take long before he was under the covers.

Alec sat down on a chair he’d pulled to the side of the bed. Jace frowned and breathed in to speak, but Alec beat him to it.

“I’m staying till you sleep.” He smiled and tugged the cover closer to Jace’s chin. “It’s not up for debate.”

Alec was the best and the worst to have sitting next to him right now. Alec was happy. His and Magnus’s marriage was as close to perfect as you get. But it had taken years of Alec’s life to get there. To understand what he was feeling and be okay with it. If Jace couldn’t push everything down, it meant that he would have to start all of that. He was sure he wasn’t strong enough; not even if that was all of it.

And what about Clary? Tears pressed at his eyes and he turned around. Alec didn’t object. Clary was back and they had been good for a while. He loved her with every piece of his heart, he knew that, but he was sure she too felt their life together crumbling.

Jace pulled the cover all the way over his head as the tears spilled. It wasn’t right. Why did he have to ruin everything when it was all working out so perfectly? Why did he had to fall in love with his girlfriend's best friend… and his sister’s boyfriend?


End file.
